A Beautiful Mess

Music Monday: Somebody That I Used to Know

2012-01-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

One of my friends posted this video on his Facebook page. After watching it once, I immediately had to watch it again. I'm not sure what it is about the song and about the video, but it is eerie and haunting, emotional and raw, honest and vulnerable. There is something about it that I love and something about it that makes me feel uncomfortable. But, either way, it provokes a lot of emotion. This is Gotye featuring Kimber. The song is called 'Somebody That I Used to Know.'

Belief

2012-01-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

I've been having this thought a lot lately: what if I believe that everything that Jesus says is true, is actually true?

This thought has been occurring to me because of a chapter in the book I've been reading, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. The chapter is all about belief - the things we believe and how we live those beliefs. A lot of things he says in the chapter spoke to me and made me question if I'm living what I claim to believe. Miller says at one point, "... if I live what I believe, then I don't believe very many noble things." Do you ever get that feeling that you know you believe one thing, but your life is not reflecting those things? And in fact, your life may be reflecting opposite things. That is a tough pill to swallow, to realize that about yourself. But, then I start to wonder what that means. Does that mean that I don't actually believe what I think I believe? Or does it mean that I'm a fallen human being who doesn't act? I'm not sure what it means, but either way, it bothers me.

So it has led me to wonder, do I really believe all the things I say I believe? And if I do, what should that look like in action? And, Jesus told us a lot of things were true, if I believe those things are true, how should my life look?

This is my favorite passage in the chapter: "The thing I have to work on in myself is this issue of belief. Gandhi believed Jesus when He said to turn the other cheek. Gandhi brought down the British Empire, deeply injured the caste system, and changed the world. Mother Teresa believed Jesus when He said everybody was priceless, even the ugly ones, the smelly ones, and Mother Teresa changed the world by showing them that a human being can be selfless. Peter finally believed the gospel after he got yelled at by Paul. Peter and Paul changed the world by starting small churches in godless towns."

If I believe that Jesus told me to feed the hungry, what am I doing about it? If I believe Jesus when He said to love our enemies, how am I acting that out? If I believe Jesus told me to spread the Good News, how am I doing that? If I believe Jesus when He told us to love the children and widows, how am I showing that love?

Miller says, "And there is something inside of me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them."

That statement resounded with me. It almost makes me want to go, "UGH. If I admit I believe all these things that Jesus told me, then now I have to actually do something about them. And that is so inconvenient to my little life." Sad thought, isn't it? Isn't the reason we are here is to live all these things that Jesus told us are true? That should be a priority over my own thoughts and desires.

Miller talks about his friend Andrew who sets up a kitchen on the sidewalk on Saturday mornings and feeds the homeless. He sits and talks with them and laughs with them. Miller says, "The thing about it is, though, Andrew believes this is what Jesus wants him to do. Andrew does not believe in empty passion."

I haven't figured it out at all yet. I haven't figured out what my life looks like when I truly believe the things that Jesus told us are true. I haven't figured out how I softened my heart so that I can love my enemies, or how I get involved with feeding the hungry in my small town, or what it looked like to love the children and widows. But I'm going to keep figuring it out and I'm going to start trying to live my beliefs instead of just claiming them in my head.

Another thought from Miller, "Andrew is the one who taught me that what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do."

What do you believe?

1/2 Marathon

2011-12-19T19:27:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I ran my first (and last) half marathon. I wish I could say it was a great experience and I'm so glad I did it - but that isn't really how I feel. Haha.

Let me start off by saying that doing the race with five of my very closest friends was definitely an amazing experience. I would not trade that for the world. It was incredible to share the experience together. SO awesome. I am forever grateful to them for their support and encouragement. I will always hold on to the memories that we made.

The race itself was insane. There were 44,000 people running and it was WAAAY too many. It felt like I was fighting through people the whole race. The course was flat and the majority of it was on the strip in Vegas. That was pretty neat. There was lots to look at and lots to see. I felt like I was doing pretty good through the majority of the race. Around mile seven I was starting to feel it. At about mile eight my IT band really started hurting on the outside of my knee. I was frustrated that it started that early in the race. Miles eight through 11 were a huge struggle. They hurt so bad. My body just ached. Once I got to 11, I knew I could hang on until mile 13. I passed the sign for mile 13 and knew that I had just 60 seconds of running until I finished!! It felt great to know that I was going to accomplish what I had set out to do.

I crossed the finish line and got my medal. I never had that great feeling of pride or a runner's high or anything - I really just hurt, alot. Ha. It took be about 30 minutes to get from the finish line and out of the runners area. The whole place was just a mad house. There were WAY too many people in a very small area. It was about two hours or so after I finished before I actually got back to the hotel room and saw my friends.

It was a GREAT feeling to see all of them. I was SO proud of them. It was great to get to sit around and chat about what each of us experienced during the race. We got some food, got showers, and slept for about 1.5 hours before we got up to catch a flight back!! That day was definitely tough! No fun to sit on a plane after all of that.

I really have no desire to ever train or run another 1/2 marathon. The feeling of greatness after the race (that I didn't really feel but that apparently other people do) is not enough for me to go through that all again! BUT, it is really cool to have a goal in mind, work hard, and accomplish that. It is neat to do something that you thought you would never be able to do. And for those reasons, I am really glad that I did it. It was hard, and painful, and inconvenient, but I stuck with it and I did what I set out to do. That's pretty fun.

So ... there is the 1/2 marathon update! That's all.

Here are a few of us after the race:

FOWOT

2011-11-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

One of my friends recently de-activated her Facebook account. I had lunch with her the other day and we talked about why she decided to do it. We talked about how it is sometimes hard to look through Facebook because we are then constantly comparing ourselves to other people and possibly feeling like we aren't doing "enough" or that we aren't in the "right place" in life. I am sure there are some people who don't have this issue. But for those of us predisposed to comparing, it can be a challenge. On Facebook, everyone is showing off the very best of their lives and sometimes it makes me feel like my life doesn't measure up. It is silly, I know. But it is just the way my mind works sometimes.

Soon after that lunch conversation I came across this blog post. I just really, really love it. It has a bit to do with that whole comparison thing - but even more to do with perceived audience we are trying to impress. Or as the author calls it: fear-of-what-others-think (FOWOT).

Anyway, check it out. It is a great read. It is written by Jesse Rice who is the author of The Church of Facebook: How the Hyperconnected Are Redefining Community. This post is located on Donald Miller's blog (one of my favorite writers).

An Open Letter to My Fear of What Others Think

Enjoy!

Thankfulness

2011-11-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

It seems as if I would be passing up a grand opportunity if I didn't write a post about thankfulness near Thanksgiving. The holiday forces us to slow down and take stock of all of our blessings. I would like to live in a state of thankfulness. But I know that I'm too selfish and too needy to fool myself into thinking I'm perpetually thankful. However, I do try to thinking of the many blessings in my life often. And when I do, I start on the most basic level.

I am thankful to live in country where we have freedoms, running water, doctors, safety, democracy.

I am thankful for warm showers. I think often of my dear friends at El Limon in Mexico who take freezing cold showers every day.

I am thankful that clean water is always accessible to me.

I am thankful that I do not have to worry about where my next meal will come from.

I am thankful for a roof over my head – for a large, well-built, and spacious home to house my many possessions.

I am thankful for a bed and for the time to rest.

I am thankful for a job that I enjoy with people I respect.

I am thankful for my health and the overall health of my family.

I am thankful for a family that has an abundance of love.

I am thankful for friends that allow me to share life with them.

I am thankful for the trials in life because they've made me who I am.

I am thankful for the many incredible people that have been a part of my life, even if they aren't now.

I read this prayer one time before. It has a story that accompanies it about a father and daughter parting at the airport - the father is sick and dying and says that the next time his daughter comes home will be for his funeral. And when they part they say, "I wish you enough." This has always stuck with me. I am SO THANKFUL that I have 'enough' of so many things.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."

So, dear friends, I wish you enough. And I pray that you may be able to be thankful for each season of life.

The Avett Brothers

2011-11-22T18:15:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is wow. I went to my first Avett Brothers concert last week at Tech. It was so super amazing. I've always known that there are these crazy Avett Brothers fans, and I didn't really understand. But after seeing them in concert, I totally get it. They are so amazing. So much energy, so much fun, such good music. Just an awesome, incredible experience. If you ever get the chance to see them, do it!! They played this at the show and I loved it.

Unapologetically True

2011-10-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

A friend and I were having a discussion about things that seem paradoxical within ourselves. He was saying that he really dislikes it when other people are trying to be something they are not - he wishes they would just be themselves because he wants to know the real them. BUT, he also realizes that in many situations he tries to make himself into the person he thinks others want him to be. He was lamenting how ironic and quizzical this is - how he is, in fact, doing the very think that he hates to see other people doing.

As he was talking, I so quickly identified with what he was saying about making himself into what he thinks other people want him to be. I confess, I do this ALL the time without even realizing it. I try to make myself into something that "fits." It really is sad that we do that, isn't it? Because, for the most part, I like who I am, so I'm not sure why I can't just be ME and be ok with the fact that some people are going to like me and some people may not.

I think I do this in so many ways - in the things I like to do, or the way I spend my time, or how I present myself to a certain group of people. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't really even know myself.

The example I shared with my friend was about music in my car. It's really a simple example, something small, but it shows what I mean. I love all music, all of it, I really do. But sometimes I change the radio station or CD in my car based on who is going to be riding. Silly. I don't really mean to do it. It is not intentional. But if I slow down, I can hear myself thinking, "Well, I shouldn't play country music because that person will think something bad." Or "I should change it off the Christian station because that person will be uncomfortable." Really?!? So I try to ask myself instead, "What music do YOU like? What do you want to listen to right now?" It is almost like getting to know myself all over again. And that's just a silly example, but it makes me wonder how many other choices I am making, unintentionally, that I think are based on me but are actually based on the perception I want others to have of me.

I find myself doing that more and more now – asking, "What do YOU really think? What do YOU really enjoy?" And being ok with whatever the answer is.

My friend was saying to me that having this conversation was somewhat liberating. Because it takes alot of energy and effort to attempt to reflect what you think others want you to be. To my example of music, he said "When I picture myself getting into my car next time with someone else and not changing the station or CD just to reflect an image that they expect, but instead, unapologetically putting my 'true self' out there ... I love it!"

I love how he says he would unapologetically put his true self out there. That is my goal. To put my true self out there, with no apologies for who I am. I challenge you to do the same.

Ways to Love

2011-10-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. I've had lots of random thoughts. For example, it seems really frustrating that we use the word "love" to describe so many things. I've heard this said many times before - that other languages have a variety of words to describe different kinds of love, but in English, we just have the word love. It seems that because we use it so much, that maybe it has lost some of its power. We love cookies, and we love a television show, and we love our friends, and love our family, and love our romantic partner. All of those uses of love are so different, yet we use the same word.

Mostly I've been thinking about the ways we say and hear "I love you." I think that we often want someone to say those specific words. I mean, who doesn't want someone to hear that someone loves them?! But I also think there are a million other ways that we say "I love you" and those shouldn't go unnoticed. Maybe we are so caught up in hearing the words, that we miss the other ways we are being told that we are loved.

Perhaps it is a parent saying to a child, "Be sure to wear a coat, it is cold outside." Or one friend saying to another, "I'm thinking about you." Maybe it is a partner saying, "You look stunning" or "Tell me about your day - in all the detail." Or it could be a friend saying, "You are special. You matter to me."

And maybe we say "I love you" with no words. It is fixing dinner for friends who are going through a hard time. Or maybe just fixing dinner for friends for no reason. It is a card in the mail from a grown child just to say hello. It could be a kiss from a parent that accompanies a band-aid on a boo boo. It is making homemade goodies for someone special. It could be sharing a piece of yourself with another - through music or art or writing. It is when someone chooses to spend their time with us. It is a child giving a parent a back scratch. It is in a glance or a touch, in a joke or in a laugh. It is the way a partner honors and respects you. Or, it could be a comfort in silence that only comes with trust.

I pray that in the moments when we feel lonely, we can look for the ways that people are telling us they love us in some other way than "I love you."

"Your Hands"

2011-10-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

I love this song. Beautiful and great message. Just wanted to share.

The next step

2011-10-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's dark outside in the mornings. I went to run the other morning and was shocked by how dark it was. I couldn't see anything in front of me. It was pretty scary. I was afraid I might step in a hole and turn my ankle, or trip over a tree branch, or step on an animal. I had to strain my eyes to try and see. And even with straining, I could barely just see my next step. But I had run the path tons of times, and I had to trust that it was still the way it had always been.

It got me thinking about how God works that way sometimes. As we travel down the path of life, we want to see the whole path. We want to see the end - where we are supposed to go or what we are supposed to do. But often times God only reveals the next step. And we have to trust that God is consistent - the same God He's always been. And we have to take that next step and trust that He will reveal the rest of the path as we need to see it.

This all just seemed so real to me as I was running through the dark. Just as I took each step as I saw it, I have to trust that God is going to show me the steps I need to take. And sometimes that is ONLY going to be the next step and not the whole path. It is huge to trust in that - to take just one step at a time. But God is consistent. The path is always the same it has always been.

Can you trust enough to take the next step that is being revealed?

The Prodigal Son

2011-09-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

In my small group the last few weeks, we did some discussing of this painting by Rembrandt based on the parable in Luke. I enjoyed looking at this painting and talking about it. Who are the people in the painting? What are they thinking? How are the feeling? If the father represents God, who are you in the painting?

Football

2011-09-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, what an excellent weekend! I LOVE when college football returns. It makes me so happy.

This weekend at the game, my friend asked me what I love the most about football and being at the game. I had NO idea how to answer her. I can't really explain what it is that I love about college football.

I love all of it. The smell in the air during football season. The tailgating with friends. The pure excitement that everyone feels. The colors of a full stadium. The moment when everyone is jumping up and down. The intensity of competition. I love walking into the stadium in a stream of orange and maroon and having people around me yelling "Let's go ... Hokies." I love the sound of a marching band. I love sitting in the stands before the game starts, filled with anticipation of the next three hours - knowing that I have no idea what will happen when the game starts. I love being able to forget about anything else going on and just focusing on cheering and yelling. I love watching student-athletes and coaches do something that they are really good at doing. I love seeing the starters get excited when the second-stringers make a big play. I love the focus of the players. I love the emotions that go with a game - the nervousness and excitement, the stress and the relief. I love seeing the hard work – the hours and hours of preparation – come out in this one game. I love the brute strength and grit of a fullback pushing for a final yard to get a first down. I love the huge pass that hits a receiver in stride after he's gotten behind the secondary. I love a huge hit and a beautiful punt that hangs in the air.

But, I think what I love the most is the camaraderie. You sit in a stadium filled with thousands and thousands and thousands of other people who are ALL there for the same purpose you are. You are sitting next to a total stranger, but when your team does something great, there are high fives, hugs and celebrations all around. You become the best of friends.

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be able to truly explain why I love college football. It is just something that is incredibly special - and there is nothing else like it. Nothing. Maybe I love it because it points to something more; because it is bigger than just a game.

I love this quote from an article about college basketball. "I think it probably saddens God when the good things in life—sports, natural beauty, art, etc—are cheapened and seen only as ends unto themselves; not as the signposts to a greater grace that exists in the world."

What is your favorite thing about college football?

Living Lonely with Integrity

2011-08-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

I came across the subheading in my book titled "Lonely Must Be Lived with Integrity." I knew I was in for some earth-shaking truth in this section.

This is the line that hit me across the face, "And the woman of God is called to walk through her loneliness with integrity."

The writer, Angela Thomas, continues by saying, "God calls us to live with integrity, even when it hurts ... I remember so vividly how the nighttime exaggerated my pain ... I completely understand why women make dumb choices from that kind of pain, but we just cannot do that. God is calling us to wait through our loneliness with a greater degree of integrity."

My parents taught me that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one can see. I've also come to think of integrity and transparency as synonymous. When we live lives of transparency, integrity is present.

Thomas reminds us that it matters how we face our lonely circumstances and we can do it in a way that brings glory to God.

This brings to mind a sermon series I recently listened to by Andy Stanley. (Check it out here: The New Rule for Love, Sex & Dating). He talks about "The Right Person Myth" which says 'if I marry the right person, everything will be alright' or 'when I meet the right person, everything will be alright.' He says that this thinking is so wrong, and so dangerous. And that then, when we have a problem in our relationship or marriage, we just think it is because we are with the wrong person. So instead of doing the work for a healthy relationship, we just decide we should try to find the right person.

Stanley talks about how our past will show up in our future; what we are doing now is going to follow us around; our single-people problems are going to follow us into marriage; the decisions we are making now about how to live are going to be a part of a future relationship.

He says that instead of finding the right person, are we BECOMING the right person? He challenges us with the question: Am I the person the person I'm looking for is looking for? I love that question; I love that challenge. If I met a guy today that I was so impressed with, that was a super amazing guy, would I be the kind of girl that he would want to be with?? (Check out the story Andy shares starting at 26:10).

He refers to 1 Corinthians and the very famous 'Love Chapter.' He starts off by talking about 'Love is patient.' I really appreciate what he says after this, "This doesn't suddenly appear as a personal virtue when you say I do or you move in with someone. This is developed over time. Every single date, every single relationship, you need to get better at this." How often do we think, 'that will happen when I'm with the right person?' or 'that will change when I get married.' Stanley is saying no way, that is not true. We take who we are as a single into who we are as a married person. So we need to make the single us a very good us before we move towards the marriage thing.

This is one of those times when I want to say, "God, I hear what you are telling me, but UGH, it is so hard."

But I feel it - like I'm just hanging out and waiting for the "right" person to come along. Am I DOING anything to MAKE myself a better person? Am I doing anything to ensure that I am the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for? Am I doing anything to live my singleness and my loneliness with integrity?

It is really hard to be a single person with integrity in our culture right now. It is living a very different life from what it feels like most people are living. There are so many things that we "learn" through pop culture, entertainment, and the media that they become normal in our lives.

I've always thought that alot of these things are harmless and that I'm "strong enough" that they aren't penetrating my heart. But I think I'm wrong about that. I think that no matter how firm of a belief we have in something, the more we are told something else, the more we believe it - possibly without even realizing it.

One of my friends wrote this about romantic comedies:

"See, romantic comedies seem light and fun and funny from the outside. But what are they teaching our hearts and minds as women? That it's ok if you lie, cheat and steal as long as you end up with the handsome guy in the end? That if someone truly loves us and is the 'one' for us, they should always know how to read our minds and do things that woo us and sweep us off our feet? That feeling precedes and dictates action?"

I think about some of the movies and television shows that are out right now. They seem to be "teaching" us that meaningless sex with someone that is just a friend is perfectly ok. And that if you start with an agreement between two people to just have sex, ultimately both parties will realize they actually love each other and will live happily ever after. Or that it doesn't matter if you manipulate other people, as long as you get the man. Or that cheating is ok because your true love is the one you are cheating with. Or that it is ok to give into your loneliness - to be desperate and to settle for something that lacks integrity. None of these things are true - but they are things we are being "taught" every day.

It is hard to stand up against those things and say "no, I want more than that." Because what I really want is a love like they talk about in 1 Corinthians 13 - a love that is patient and kind, that is not jealous, proud or rude, that is not self-seeking, that keeps no record of wrongs, that is not easily angered, that rejoices in truth.

And I need to learn that that sort of love is not just going to "happen" when I meet the "right" person. Those are things that need to be practiced every day.

So these are the things that I keep hearing in the back of my brain now:

Live your singleness with integrity.

Am I the person the person I'm looking for is looking for?

I pray that I can battle loneliness and that I can live in this moment, in my singleness, with integrity and grace as I try to become the person the person I'm looking for is looking for. It is hard. Very, very hard. And I'm sure I'll fail plenty. But I'm going to keep trying.

Thirty Things I've Learned in 30 Years

2011-08-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

So I started writing this blog - Thirty Things I've Learned in 30 Years - after my 30th birthday last week. As I wrote the list, I had over 30 things. So now it is 40 things, haha, hope you don't mind. I know there is plenty more I've learned. And TONS more that I still have to learn. A lot of these things are things I know, but are things that are still hard to put into practice. It is interesting the lessons life throws at you. I believe we all have our own unique journey that teaches us all different things. What have you learned? I'd love for you to share. Enjoy.

1. I've learned … doubt is essential to faith.

2. I've learned … your motivation for being a good friend cannot be to get the same in reciprocation. It often doesn't work that way.

3. I've learned ... being transparent is extremely challenging but the best way to live life.

4. I've learned … comparing yourself to others is hurtful, hard, and shouldn't be done. You are you and not them. You are the only you. Be the best you and not an imitation of them.

5. I've learned … the integrity of a person is shown in how one responds to a mistake.

6. I've learned … the world does not stop for our grief.

7. I've learned … sitting at the feet of someone wise is the best way to learn about life.

8. I've learned … if we put as much effort into developing our character as we do into our appearance, we would be living in a better world.

9. I've learned … it is essential to be lovable rather than popular.

10. I've learned … some wounds never really heal.

11. I've learned … no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

12. I've learned … there is always a song to fit my mood.

13. I've learned … you can't choose what you feel but you can choose what you do with it.

14. I've learned … I am blessed to have an amazing family.

15. I've learned … there are no wasted moments in life. "As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." - Thoreau

16. I've learned … you can keep going long after you think you can't and that you are much stronger than you think you are.

17. I've learned … just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.

18. I've learned … my mother's advice on meeting friends is the best: "Do the things you enjoy doing, and you will meet others with similar interests."

19. I've learned … we wait until people pass away to say nice things about them and then they cannot hear us. Don't wait. Compliment people. Tell them they did good work. Tell them they are important. Tell them what you adore about them. Use your words to build people up instead of tear them down.

20. I've learned … you are blessed to have people in your life who tell you when you are wrong, when you are rude, and when you shouldn't wear something.

21. I've learned … there is a difference in joy and happiness. Joy comes from confidence in the Lord, happiness is situational.

22. I've learned … not being a "choose me" person is hard.

23. I've learned … it is never a shame to admit when you don't know something and seek guidance from someone who knows more.

24. I've learned … smiling and saying hi to a stranger makes me happy.

25. I've learned … there is no replacement for eating ice cream with friends during the summer.

26. I've learned … I'm complicated, conflicted, and full of juxtapositions.

27. I've learned … accountability is key in reaching goals. Share with your friends and loved ones.

28. I've learned … no one ever says mean things about people after they die. I hope my friends and family will represent me honestly when I pass - talk about my flaws and the things that drove them crazy, because that is the true and whole image of who I am.

29. I've learned … exercise is not only good for the body but also for the soul.

30. I've learned … having an older brother is the best gift I could ever have.

31. I've learned … love is worth it.

32. I've learned … listening and hearing someone is much harder than talking, but also much more important.

33. I've learned … you must learn to enjoy the journey.

34. I've learned … no one really cares much about my opinion. It is often better to keep my mouth closed.

35. I've learned … I'm really ignorant about a lot of things.

36. I've learned … if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others.

37. I've learned … I can choose the things, thoughts, and arguments into which I place my energy.

38. I've learned … mindfulness is important to enjoying life. Be present and aware in each moment and each step of life. Appreciate it.

39. I've learned … I will never be too old to jump off a diving board, blow bubbles with Bubble Yum, throw snow balls, or swing.

40. I've learned … my mother's words as I walked out the door every day are how I want to live life. "Remember whose you are." I am always a child of God.

Breathe

2011-07-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I got the opportunity to go to Newhope Church in Durham. It was a really great experience. It is obvious that God is doing some awesome things at the church.

I was really excited about the message for the day. It was based on Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God." Scott, the minister, uses the example of Moses in Exodus.

He talks about being present, burning bushes, busyness, miracles, moments in nature, Waldo, ordinary days, seeing God, holy ground, saying no, creating space, I AM, and breathing.

Click here to check it out. I think you'll enjoy. Listen, watch and enjoy!

They followed it up with their band doing this Michael W. Smith song.

What is happening in your quiet moments right now? What are the miracles happening around you right now? Where is God in your world? Are you missing out on the presence of God? The opportunity to draw near to our God? Are you standing on holy ground? Do you need to learn how to pause? What would it take for you to be fully present?

I pray that we find time to just BE today; to just breathe.

Hugs!

Falling

2011-06-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

I fell off a trolley in downtown Roanoke.

The trolley wasn't moving (although that would make a MUCH better story), but I still fell. I was just trying to get off the trolley. It had stopped and no one was moving to get off (I was with a whole gaggle of my co-workers), so I hopped up and confidently made my way to the doors. I took the first step, then the second and started to realize that I was wobbly. I grabbed onto the handle and tried to fight the wobble, but I knew that fighting it was just going to make it worse. So down I went. Onto my hands and knees on the sidewalk outside the trolley. Awesome. There I was in my cute work outfit, in front of 15 co-workers, sitting on the ground. A hand reached out to me and helped me up. I answered a few questions with, "Yea, I'm fine, thanks" and went on my way.

One of my co-workers said to me, "You handled that with a lot more grace than I would have." To which I replied, "I fall a lot. I am really used to it."

I really do. I fall all the time. Last week alone, I know I fell at least three times. I fall UP the stairs quite often. How does one fall UP the stairs? I suppose I just don't pick my feet up, but geez, it really starts to hurt after a while.

I get annoyed when I fall and no one is around to see it. Let's be honest, it is fairly hilarious when someone falls (as long as they don't get injured). So when I fall and no one is there to benefit from it, I hate it. If I'm going to fall and get bruised, I at least want someone to benefit from it just a little bit. A chuckle, a giggle, a smile.

I started to think about falling and how else we fall in life. I think I fall easily in other areas of my life, too. I fall quickly with people. We always talk about falling in love in a romantic sense, but don't we also fall into other relationships?

I think that is where I fall easily. Not so much falling in love, but falling into friendships and relationships. I've always felt that my mother thinks I trust too openly, too quickly. And maybe I do. I agree that I like to have very deep and very real relationships. If you are my friend, I want you to truly be my friend. I want to know what makes you happy, what makes you sad. I want to know the things you fear and the things that make you rejoice. And I want to share those parts of me with you. I want to be in life with you. I want to walk beside you on the journey.

However, I understand my darling mother's concerns. There have been times in my life when I have let in people that took advantage of me. They used me when they needed me and never reciprocated that same steadfastness. That hurts. It really, really hurts. It is really hard to pour into someone and not have that person pour into you. These are the bruises that I risk by falling easily.

But isn't the risk of being hurt worth it? I believe we are called to be in relationships with people. I have faith that we were created to be in true, deep, and meaningful relationships. No one can walk through life alone. We all have times, seasons when we need someone to be right beside us. I feel honored if people allow me to be that person beside them. And I hope that those people will be beside me in my seasons of need. (Many of them HAVE stood by me in my many moments of hurts and struggle).

So it is true, I do fall fast. I fall easily into friendships. And I'll take that. Because if I fall, I hope someone can benefit from it just a little bit. A chuckle, a giggle, a smile. I know it always benefits me.

Mountains and Hikes

2011-06-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

I love the mountains.

One of my favorite things about being back in Blacksburg is that I am nestled in the mountains. When I lived in North Carolina, I didn't realize how much I missed the mountains until I would drive home. Either way I drove home, there was a spot where I would crest a hill and there would be a gorgeous view of mountains. It was then that I could feel myself relax - my shoulders would release and I could feel comfort in my soul. Mountains feel like hugs to me.

Along with mountains comes excellent hiking. I LOVE that I can get to good hiking SO quickly. There are multiple places to go, with different level of difficulty and length. On Saturday I hiked at Mountain Lake on the Bear Cliffs trail. It was a hike I hadn't done before, but I really enjoyed. It was about a four mile hike total. Definitely not a difficult hike, but not too easy either. The best part of any hike is when you get to the end. You've been hiking through the woods with the cover of the trees and then all of sudden you are out in the open again with a glorious view in front of you.

The pay off at Bear Cliffs wasn't the best I've seen, but it was still a great view. And one of the quietest places I think I've ever been.

I love the stillness, the sunny haze, the view. I love being outside and active. I love the laughs that are shared with friends while shuffling along the trail. I love being in the midst of the coziness of the mountains.

What is your favorite trail to hike?

Babies

2011-06-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

Babies.

They are everywhere right now.

It feels like everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. I think I know of at least four people who had a baby in the last week!

I know, I know - I'm just at that age when this is what people are doing. Having babies and starting families.

It just feels odd.

It feels strange that my peer group is OLD enough to be married and having children - and for some, a second or third child. I feel like I'm still about 20, so I have a hard time grasping that we are "at that age."

For the single girl that doesn't have a significant other, having babies just seems so far away. Don't get me wrong, I VERY much want children. But when you aren't married, or when you don't even have the prospect of that father figure, the reality of children just seems to be very far away. The world I'm living in and the world my friends with children are living in are just different places. I'm sure to them, my life of weekend getaways, Thursday nights at the bar, Saturdays at the pool, uninterrupted hours to clean my apartment, and cooking for one seem very far away.

I think as I get older the idea of family and children keeps evolving. All I've ever really wanted is to be a mother. I want to be a mother so badly. I had the same thought that tons of little girls do - I'll grow up, get married, and have a family. And hopefully that is still the track I'm on.

But it is an interesting balance you have to learn as you get older – the desire for something you don't have and the contentment with where you currently are in life. I want to be honest with myself. I want to recognize that I want to be a wife and a mother. I don't want to push away those thoughts and wishes. But I don't want to get so caught up in those desires that I lose perspective of enjoying where I am on my journey. I don't want to have the thought, "I'll be happy when I have a family." I want to be happy right where I am, no matter where that is. It's tough though. It is a hard balance to say, "Ok, this is where I am in life. And there are so many great things about where I am. I am going to embrace these moments and enjoy all I can," while still saying "My heart desires to have a family of my own." It's challenging to be completely honest in those seemingly contradicting ways.

I am so overjoyed for all my friends that are having babies right now. Each and every little child is an incredible blessing and all these women and men are amazing parents. But there is just a little something that twinges inside of me. I don't know - I suppose maybe it's jealousy (I'm not always good at naming my emotions) because they have what I desire to have at some point in my life.

I know being a wife and a mother is in NO way easy - but I believe those roles are exactly what some of us are made to do. And I want that in my life. Sometime. Until then, I'm going to focus on enjoy all the amazing things about being where I am right now at this moment - long weekends, quiet nights, being selfish, time with friends, a full night sleep, grown up talks with my parents, and learning how to be me.

Biggest Loser

2011-05-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser season finale. I absolutely love this show. I watch it every single week that it is on. I'm not sure why I love it so much. For the most part, I really dislike reality television. But this show is just different.

Maybe it is because I have a huge interest in fitness. I think ideally my dream job would be doing something in fitness. So I'm fascinated by watching the trainers push these people and by watching the contestants change their lives - not just losing weight, but changing the internal things that have gotten them to where they are in life. I'm in awe of them. I'm inspired by their discipline and dedication.

I think it is also really cool to feel like you are part of their journey. I mean, I know I'm not really. But they are sharing their journey with the world - and their stories are real, full of hurt, vulnerable, and authentic. It is a reminder of the ways we all struggle.

And the fact that it is something positive. People making a positive change in their lives. It is just refreshing to see something good and uplifting on television.

Anyway. Totally random blog from me tonight. :)

Fruit

2011-05-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

So lately I've had a lot of thoughts about the fruit of the Spirit. I'm not sure why - it has just come up a lot lately. And I've also been thinking about that saying, "If you were arrested for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

I don't know - it's just that I claim to be an upstanding, moral, good, Christian woman. But what exactly are the things that I do, or feel, or believe that make me that woman? Where is the fruit? What is the evidence?

It's made me think about the things I do, the decisions I make. Yes, I think I am a good person. But being a good person doesn't make you a Christian person. It's about more, I think. It's about the very deepest parts, it is about the state of our soul, it is about what overflows when we get pushed. It is about who we are, not what we do. But who we are flows into what we do.

The passage is Galatians 5:22-23:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

So what do these words mean? How do they apply to me?

- Love: strong affection, desire or devotion - Am I loving my neighbors? God is love - am I showing people that?

- Joy: emotion evoked by well-being, success or good fortune - My mom always talked about the difference in 'joy' and 'happiness.' Joy is the assurance and hope that we get from knowing that we belong to Christ, from having a hope in something that is not of this world. We can be joyful even when we are not happy. I try to remember to carry my joy with me all the time - and to let JOY be what flows from me, even when I'm not happy. I believe that joy is the thing that others see in us when they say, 'what does she have? I want that.'

- Peace: state of calm; freedom from strife or discord; harmony in personal relationship - Do I carry peace with me? Sometimes it is not within our control to have "freedom from strife or discord." I'm challenged by how we have peace during those times. I suppose we have peace in knowing that, even in the worst of times, we are not alone. Christ is with us.

- Patience: endurance; hopeful forbearance - Am I patient with my friends, family, co-workers? Do I give into our world's view of immediate gratification? Or am I patient?

- Kindness: benevolence, favorable disposition / showing sympathy and understanding - Do I show sympathy and understanding? Do I have a favorable disposition - do I make people want to be around me?

- Goodness: kind; profitable, excellent, morally right - This reminds me of purity. Pure of heart. Pure of deed. Being excellent and morally right. Do I make good decisions?

- Faithfulness: firm in adherence; loyal; worthy of trust; devotion - Am I trustworthy and loyal? Do people feel that from me? Am I steadfast in my beliefs?

- Gentleness: kind, mild-mannered - Do I watch my words? Am I slow to anger?

- Self-control: restraint exercised over ones own impulses, desires, or emotions; temperance - Do I keep my own desires in check? Do I have discipline? (from previous posts, you will know that the answer is no).

I think I do some of these things well. Some of them, not so much. I think it is important to continually ask these questions. I want to understand how to bear fruits of the Holy Spirit. I want there to be enough evidence to convict me.

I really like the note in my study Bible about this.

"The fruit of the Spirit is the spontaneous work of the Holy Spirit in us. The Spirit produces these character traits that are found in the nature of Christ. They are the by-products of Christ's control - we can't obtain them by trying to get them without His help. If we want the fruit of the Spirit to grow in us, we must join our lives to His. We must know Him, love Him, remember Him and imitate Him. As a result, we will fulfill the intended purpose of the law - to love God and our neighbors."

Another reminder that I can truly do nothing without God. It is by drawing close to Him, that I will bear fruits and fulfill the intended purpose of the law.

Anyway - more rambling thoughts from Megan. Ha. But I'm going to be meditating on "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

Enjoy :)

Definitely a country girl ...

2011-05-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so let me just tell you all a story that is a reminder of what a complete MESS I am ... And also a reminder that I am not, at all, a city girl.

So I went to the DC area this weekend to go to my friend Marcy's baby shower (which, by the way, was a blast - so fun to be there). I was staying with a friend in Bethesda. I did a great job navigating ... 81 to 66 to 495. I get to the exit and get off, so proud of myself that I had made it all that way. My friend was talking me to the apartment and kept saying "Do you see this? Do you see that?" NONE of which I saw. I knew I had gotten off the right exit. So, I just kept driving up and down this same road expecting that apartment building to just pop out. Haha. So silly.

Finally I realized that I was on the wrong side of 495. So, after AN HOUR, I got on the correct side of 495 and I was able to navigate to the apartment. Now, in my defense, when I got off 495 I thought "Maybe I need to ask which way to go." But there was only one way I could go, so I went that way. Apparently to go the other way you are just supposed to go to a light and U-turn. And boy, did I U-turn a bunch. Haha.

So that was on Friday evening.

On Saturday I got up to drive to Marcy's house. Again, very proud of myself because I got to her house with no problem. As I was pulling up I noticed that my gas light had come on and I made a mental note to get gas when I left. After the shower, I followed my friend Susan to the Leesburg Outlets. Between Marcy's and the outlets, I don't remember seeing a gas station, so I didn't stop.

I left the outlets and was making my way back to the toll road. I got on the toll road and realized I had been about 20 or 25 miles and still hadn't gotten any gas. I kept looking around, but there was nothing to indicate any gas stations. The toll road is not like the highway - there were no signs telling what was off each exit. So, I thought, "Ok, I have to get off and find a station." I see the signs for the Reston Town Center and am exciting thinking that there has to be gas near the center. Nope. No gas stations. Don't see one anywhere.

At this point, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely end up on the side of the road walking with the little red jug to get gas for my car. I leave the town center area and drive up and down the Reston Turnpike (or something like that). I still see nothing. I start freaking out at this point. I just had no clue what to do. I try to find stations on the navigation system on my phone and couldn't figure it out. Finally I saw some girls working in a garden. I went over and begged them to tell me where a station was. I'm sure they thought I was crazy. But they pointed me about a block up and I pulled into a glorious gas station! (Again, in my defense, you could NOT see it from the main road and there was nothing to point it out).

Ok, so now that I avoided that ridiculousness, I'm ready to go. So I have to pay (again) to get back on the toll road. And off I go. Just bee bopping along.

Well, to get off the toll road, one must go through the toll plaza and pay some more money. So I pull up and there are all the lanes for all kinds of different things. Well, in my hand I have $1.25 which is how much it costs. So I bypass the full service line and get in the line for "exact change." (For any of you that live in the DC area, I'm sure you see where this story is going). So I wait my turn and pull up to the little bucket and realize by "change" they mean real change ... coins. And I do not have coins. I have a one dollar bill and a quarter. No bills can go in the bucket. So what exactly is one to do?!?!? I had NO idea what I was supposed to do. No clue. Next thing I know folks are honking behind me. So I grab any change I can find in the car, throw it in the bucket and go on. Yup, I was that girl. Holding up the line and not paying the toll. Ha. I am looking forward to getting a bill in the mail for $1.25. :)

Ah. Sometimes this stuff makes me feel so dumb. But what can you do but laugh?! Haha. I'm a mess, a total mess, and I just embrace that.

Music Monday

2011-04-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Melodime is a band that I recently saw in Blacksburg. I bought a cd and have really enjoyed their music. They have a new cd coming out in June and I'm looking forward to hearing it. This is their cover of the song 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry. Also seem like pretty stellar guys.

Enjoy!

Holy Week

2011-04-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Last year in my awesome small group, we had a lot of discussions about the Lenten season, Holy Week, what it all means and how it all fits together. I did a bit of research (not very much or very deep research) to try and help us wrap our brains around it all. So, now in the middle of Holy Week, I thought I'd share some of that information. This is VERY brief information and is just MY understanding of everything. PLEASE look into this stuff more if you are interested.

The Lenten season starts on Ash Wednesday which is 40 days before Easter (not including Sundays). Ashes were used in ancient time to express mourning and are used today in Ash Wednesday ceremonies. Dusting oneself with ashes was the penitent's way of expressing sorrow for sins and faults. This is seen multiple time in the Bible including in Job 42:3-6 and Daniel 9:3 when the prophet says "I turned to the Lord God, pleading in earnest prayer, with fasting, sackcloth and ashes."

Lent is a time of reflection and penance and represents the 40 days that Jesus spent alone in the wilderness before starting his ministry - a time in which Christians believe he survived various temptations bySatan. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer - through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial - for Holy Week and the Resurrection of Christ.

Holy Week, which commemorates the last week of the earthly life of Jesus Christ, lasts from Palm Sunday until, but not including, Easter Sunday.

Palm Sunday, which we see in Matthew 21, John 12, Luke 19 and Mark 11, is the day believers remember the "triumphal entry" of Jesus into Jerusalem, exactly one week before His resurrection. It is referred to as Palm Sunday because of the palm branches that were laid on the road as Jesus road the donkey into Jerusalem.

Maundy Thursday, also known as Holy Thursday, is shown in Matthew 26, John 13, Luke 22 and Mark 14. This is the day on which Jesus celebrated the Passover with His disciples, known as the Last Supper. It is at this dinner that Jesus tells His disciples that one of them will betray Him. This is also when Jesus tells His disciples to eat the bread and drink the wine in remembrance of Him, instituting the Eucharist. In some of the accounts, we also see Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. Church services on Holy Thursday usually contain communion, feet washing, and stripping of the altar and other items on the chancel as preparation for the somber Good Friday service.

Good Friday is the day on which Jesus was crucified. This is show in Matthew 27, John 18-19, Luke 23 and Mark 15. Most churches celebrate Good Friday with subdued service, usually in the evening, in which Christ's death is remembered through hymns, prayers of thanksgiving, a message centered on Christ's suffering for our sakes, and an observance of the Lord's Supper.

I remember when I was little I didn't understand why it was called Good Friday. How could it be "good" if that was the day that they killed Jesus? I've grown to understand that what happened that day was not good, but the result of Christ's death is very good. Jesus had to be crucified in order to rise again and claim victory over death and sin. And therefore, it is good.

Easter Sunday, shown in Matthew 28, John 20, Luke 24 and Mark 16, is the day Jesus was resurrected. Easter Sunday is celebrated on the first Sunday after the full moon following the vernal equinox. The traditional, liturgical observation of Easter (practiced by Roman Catholics, some Lutherans and Anglicans) begins on the night of Holy Saturday with the Easter Vigil. The most important liturgy of the year, the Easter Vigil begins in total darkness with the blessing of the Easter fire, the lighting of the large Paschal candle (symbolic of the Risen Christ) and the chanting of the Easter Proclamation and ends with the celebrating of the Eucharist.

Easter is an entire season of the Christian church year, as opposed to a single-day observance. The 50-day period following Easter Sunday is called Eastertide and includes a celebration of Jesus' ascension into heaven.

I was always curious about how the Jewish holiday of Passover fit in with all of this. So, here are a few thoughts on that:

- Jesus was in Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover

- The Last Supper was a Passover meal

- allegory of Jesus as the Paschal lamb

So what is Passover? It commemorates the Hebrews' liberation from slavery in Egypt and the "passing over" of the forces of destruction, or the sparing of the firstborn of the Israelites. (Seen in the book of Exodus). God helped Israel escape slavery in Egypt by inflicting 10 plagues upon the Egyptians before the Pharaoh would release the Israelite slaves. The 10th plague was the slaughter of the firstborn. The Israelites were instructed to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a spring lamb, and upon seeing this, the spirited of the Lord passed over these homes. It is said, that once the Israelites were freed, they left so fast that they could not wait for their bread dough to rise (leaven) - therefore, Passover is also called The Festival of the Unleavened Bread. Passover begins on the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Nisan and last for seven or eight days. During this time, the Jewish community does not eat chametz (leavened products including grains, bread, cereal, vinegar, cornstarch and alcohol). Firstborn males also fast on the day before Passover (Fast of the Firstborn). Passover is celebrated with great pomp and ceremony - especially on the first night when a special meal called the Seder is held.

A couple other Easter notes. "Easter Triduum" is the three days of Friday, Saturday and Sunday that commemorate the Passion, Death and Resurrection of Jesus. The week being with Easter Sunday is called Easter Week or the Octave of Easter and each day is prefaced with "Easter" (Easter Monday, Easter Tuesday, etc).

So, I know this is a lot of information. And, again, it is just the way I understand this stuff.

I LOVE Easter. It is the basis for all we believe as Christians. Our world has made Christmas the biggest Christian holiday, but the things we believe - the hope we have for victory over sin and death - that all comes from Easter. It truly is good news.

I hope you enjoy the rest of Holy Week and are able to focus on what this time means.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-04-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is one of my absolutely favorite photos from my time in Paris in January. We got to the Eiffel Tower around sunset, so I got to capture pictures while it was bright outside, but also got some after they turned the lights on.

Reflections

2011-04-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

My amazing and dear friend Ann Cassell wrote this in the days that followed April 16, 2007. I think she captured the feelings of many of us with the words she chose.

I was lucky enough to be born in Blacksburg and have never been more proud to call it home. The sorrow I have felt this week has been matched only by the overwhelming love and pride I feel for this community. Those of us who grew up here have especially grieved for our town, a place that we'll always think of as home no matter where we may live. For many of us, it has been hard to explain, even before this tragedy, how this place can mean so much to us. Now the world knows Blacksburg and yet it seems even hard to explain. They know it by tragedy. We know it by heart.

The Virginia Tech campus provided the backdrop for our childhood, the landscape for our imagination. We grew up feeding the ducks at the Duck Pond while wearing our favorite Hokie t-shirts. We watched the Highty-Tighties practice and clapped along with Tech Triumph. We ate Carol Lee Donuts, our legs swinging from those funny little stools, while looking out the windows at the downtown we would grow to love. We learned the words to Old Hokie and kept score at countless basketball and football games. We looked at Tech students and saw the people we hoped to be someday ... one became Miss America, another went to the Olympics, most were just older and smarter and more fun than us. We learned that people from all over the world call Blacksburg home. As we grew up, the campus was home to classes, concerts, and camps. Prom. High School Graduation. We learned that we are loved here -- by our parents, our friends' parents, our teachers, our entire community. We learned that intelligence is worth celebrating, but kindness is more important. We learned to be "bicycle friendly" and that recycling is a virtue. We learned to tailgate. We learned that leaving a sporting event before it's over, whether winning or losing, is not an option. We learned to appreciate the beauty of a country day and the steady support of lifelong friends. We learned - and took to heart - the message of the pylons: Brotherhood, Honor, Leadership, Loyalty, Service, Sacrifice, Duty. We learned what Ut Prosim meant, both literally and by the examples of so many around us. Later, we learned that no matter what corner of the world life led us to, we would still be Hokies at heart. We watched in amazement as our football team played in the National Championship game. It was so exciting we sometimes had to re-read the newspaper coverage because we couldn't believe they were actually talking about us. We learned that we are all in this together. We learned that there really is no place like home. And, over the years we learned that sometimes it snows in April around here, never imagining that one day an April snowstorm would carry death on its shoulders and evil in the wind.

As I stood on the Drillfield Tuesday night, so achingly beautiful bathed in candlelight, I realized that my Blacksburg upbringing did not prepare me for this. It seemed that even Burruss Hall might cry. How could this be the same place we played 'capture the flag?' Where we had those late night high school conversations and gathered to watch fireworks on the 4th of July? How could any of this be?

On April 16, we found out there are a lot of things we didn't learn here: the type of hatred that spawned this crime; the etiquette for walking on a blood-stained sidewalk; the right words to say when reality hurts this badly. We didn't learn how to handle condescending national media critics, so sure in their criticism and suffocating in their superiority that they never took the time to learn that there is no such thing as "Virginia Tech University." We certainly didn't learn how to make sense of it all. It was so horrifying we sometimes had to re-read the newspaper coverage because we couldn't believe they were actually talking about us.

Now, the whole world wear orange and maroon. It is overwhelming, comforting, and disorienting all at once. They ask if we knew any of the victims. We know them all. Because last week they were in line behind us at the grocery store, or at church with us, or just breathing the same glorious mountain air. They loved this place as much as we still do, but were robbed of the chance to enjoy it any longer.

We know this place by heart, but now our hearts are broken. Though it feels at times as if things will never be the same, I realize that some thing haven't changed. Last week, I looked at Virginia Tech students and once again saw in them the person I hope to be someday. The Duck Pond still glistens in the sunlight. Brotherhood, Honor, Leadership, Loyalty, Service, Sacrifice and Duty have neer been more evident. More than ever, we are all in this together. We will not let one person destroy what is, and what always has been, so good and so true. We are a community, not a crime scene. And on April 16, we learned again through the heroism of our police force, the bravery of our neighbors, and the lives of 32 beautiful people that there is still no better place to call home.

Undisciplined

2011-04-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

I feel so undisciplined lately.

I feel like I can't seem to make the right and healthy decision about anything. Instead of eating the right food, or going to the gym, I just do what I "want" to do. Doing what I want to do doesn't always lead to the healthiest lifestyle. But it's so hard to be disciplined. I guess some people are just pre-disposed to be more discipline. I am definitely NOT one of those people. Usually I finally get to some sort of breaking point, and THEN I am very focused and very disciplined. But why do I have to get to that breaking point? Why can't I just be more disciplined all the time?

I'm reading this excellent book by Angela Thomas called Do You Know Who I Am? One of her chapters is titled "Do You Know I am Undisciplined?" A perfect read for where I am right now!!

She talks a bit about her struggle with trying to drop 25 pounds. She dropped the weight, but then after her wedding she put it all back on. She says,

"The struggle here is not just about twenty-five pounds. Mine is the ongoing battle to find self-discipline in many areas of my life. Of course, I have met people who are so discipline that they have no life, and that is not what I long for. I want enough discipline to live at my God-give potential. The best version of who I can be, give my circumstances, my physical body, and my mind. I just want the Lord to reach down and turn on the switch of self-control inside my head. It seems like it must have a short flickering on and off inside of me. Little power surges for a season. Blackouts in others."

So perfectly said. I don't need to be so disciplined that I have no life, that I have no flexibility - I just want to be disciplined enough that I am living the best version of me.

She also says "I am so tired of doing the same things when I desperately want to do better." It reminds me of this conference I attended and one of the speakers talked about how we get stuck in the "same sin patterns." That wording really stuck with me. I am amazed how I constantly make the same mistakes, the same bad decisions, the same sin. I know I am blessed with God's unending forgiveness, but I don't want to keep doing the things that push me away from Him. This speaker was talking about how we always think, "ok, I just need to try harder." (That is definitely what I think, how about you?) And what he said is that in reality, it is not at all about "trying harder," it is about asking God to help us out of our sin, to win the battle over our temptations. We cannot do it ourselves. It is not about trying harder, but about asking God to help us get it right.

She goes on to talk about how "living the life God has called us to live requires training ... Becoming self-discipline and controlled takes commitment, sacrifice and focus." She talks about how victory over our sturggles comes from an "intimate, consistent dependence on the Spirit of God inside of us."

There are a couple points that stick with me out of what Thomas is saying.

The first is that there is a spiritual battle that is always raging inside of us. In her book, she references Romans 7. She quotes this passage from Paul:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do ... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep doing ... So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work with my members."

She goes on to talk about how their is a very real war waging inside of us - good against evil, the flesh against the Spirit. She asks the question: "Why do I keep making the same choice when in my mind I know better?" This is the question I keep asking myself, too. WHY? The other options are healthier, they make me feel better, I like doing them - yet I keep making the unhealthy choice. I take some comfort in knowing that even Paul struggled with this.

The next thing is to realize that God sent His Son, Jesus, to be our rescuer. Thomas again returns to Paul in Romans: "Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Paul continues to talk about how we can be controlled "by the sinful nature that is still inside of us or we can live according to the guidance of the Spirit." She says, "The Spirit is our help. He is our prayer partner and intercessor. He gives strength and step-by-step instructions. We must learn to listen and follow His voice inside of us." That last line is the challenging part - listening and obeying. He provides the way, but we have to choose to listen and follow.

And that is the third step - choosing to obey. "Learning to obey the Spirit means that you are staying connected to the Spirit ... God gives us the power to lead self-controlled lives because we ask and receive through this intimate relationship called prayer." She says, "victory over these struggles comes from an intimate, consistent dependence on the Spirit of God inside of us."

After choosing to live according to the Spirit, we then have to respond as He leads. Thomas references John MacArthur's book The Pillars of Christian Character with suggestions on ways to begin.

- Start with small things: "Self-discipline cultivated in the seemingly mundance thigns of life will spill over into the spirtiual realm" Pick one small things that needs to be done - cleaning your room, washing your car - and do it!
- Get yourself organized: "Maybe it's time to run your life instead of your life running you."
- Don't constantly seek to be entertained: Try to spend thirty minute doing absolutely nothing. "My squirming reminds me that I am too entertained, by work or by play; either one can fill all my time."
- Be on time: "Be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:15-16)
- Keep your word: Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no.'
- Finish what you start: "Maybe the idea is that we start only what God has called us to start."
- Accept correction: "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days." (Proverbs 15:31-32)
- Practice self-denial: "The job of a football coach is to make men do what they don't want to do, in order to achieve what they've always wanted to be." She suggests starting small - one donut instead of two, set the alarm clock 10 minutes earlier, a walk around the block instead of tv.
- Welcome reponsibility: "The mature woman welcomes the responsibility to live an amazing life, the responsibility to love God well."

While I am still EXTREMELY frustrated by my lack of self-discipline, I also feel ready to take it on. I have to realize that my laundry list of things I want to fix is overwhelming. So I need to tackle one thing at a time. And one small thing at a time, as Thomas suggests. If I can't make it to work on time - I need to set my clock 10 minutes earlier every day for a week and see if that helps. I need to figure out the small things that will lead to more discipline and start practicing them. And keep talk to God and asking Him to help me make the decision that will lead me to living the best version of me.

And a final word,
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might" (Ephesians 6:10)

Making Memories

2011-04-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

I spent this past weekend in New York City with one of my very best friends. It was such an awesome weekend. There are some friendships that just seem effortless, and this is one of them. We could do fun and crazy stuff or just sit around and it would be a perfect day together.

But what I've learned through the years of having long-distance friendships is that it is essential to make new memories. Otherwise, you are trying to maintain a friendship based on memories you made five, 10, 15 years ago.

So, we spent the weekend making new memories. From deep talks about life to shopping to watching Harry Potter to celebrating her birthday -- we now have fresh, new thoughts that remind us of why we are close. The new memories remind us that our friendship is, in fact, alive and vibrant. And even though most of our friendship exists through phone conversations, our strength lies in making memories together.

I've realized that I travel a lot on weekends. I'm always going somewhere to see someone that is dear to me. And this is why. LIVING out my friendships is crucial. Making new memories with the people that are special to me is very important.

So, here is to you making new memories with your friends and loved ones!! :)

FAMILY

2011-04-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

I love my family.

Like, I really adore my family. My whole larger extended family. They are all completely nuts. And I think they are amazing.

One of the best things about being back in Southwest Virginia, is being near my family. My mom is one of six children and five of them live within about 40 minutes of here. I had the chance to go out with almost all of my aunts and uncles on Monday night to celebrate a birthday. As we sat around the table at Sal's Jr (of course, Sal's restaurants are the only places my family gathers), I was reminded of how extremely lucky I am to have a family with so much love. My aunts and uncles have just always been around - they have ALWAYS played a very important role in my life.

My mom's brothers are sweet, kind, gentle men that have always made me feel adored. My Uncle Joe makes me feel like a little kid again every time I see him. I mean that in a good way - he makes me feel so special, and beautiful, and uniquely loved. It makes me feel like the little kid that just wants to run to him and let him hug me tight - which I usually do when I see him. My Uncle Ronnie is awesome. I have a lot of memories of him being at our house and hanging out when I was little. I think maybe he was dating my Aunt Lois at the time and she lived in Blacksburg, so he was in town a lot. But either way - he was the "fun" guy in our life. He would come over and play with us and get us all wound up and rowdy, and then leave. I'm sure my mother loved it. Haha. But Uncle Ronnie is just cool. He wears plaid pants every Christmas Eve (this should be enough to explain how cool he is). He's fun, and silly, and loving. He enjoys life and loves hard.

My mother's sisters are beautiful, sweet, thoughtful and strong women. My Aunt Pat is gorgeous, classy and so adored. She is the kind of woman that captures a room when she walks in. Everyone in town knows her and everyone in town loves her. She is such a strong woman and I feel blessed to have her as an example in my life. I love talking to her - she is honest and wise. She makes me feel like I matter; like I am important to her. My Aunt Sue is simply amazing. She has served as a second mother to me my whole life. She spoiled me and my brother SO much when we are little. I remember that on his birthday, I always got a gift too because she didn't want me to feel left out. We used to always joke, 'if Mom says no, ask Aunt Sue.' Weekly dinners at her house, vacations with her family, special occasions - were all commonplace in my life. And as I've gotten older, I recognize how amazing it was to have that constant interaction with her family. Her daughter became a sister to me and my brother; her house is just as comforting to me as our house; her hugs make me feel safe. Her family is a natural extension of my immediate family.

Both of my aunts (and their families and husbands) have had to go through the unfathomable loss of a child. And they wake up every single morning and face life with a pain that is beyond understanding. I hurt for them - I hurt for the challenge they face every day. I hurt for the absence in their lives. But I am amazed by how incredibly strong they are. I am a firm believer that some days the strongest thing you can do is simply endure. I pray that some day the pain lessens for them and life becomes not just something to endure, but something to live fully again. Until then, I watch them be the beautiful, powerful and amazing women they are. And I hope that I can show them one-tenth of the love they have showed me my whole life.

Our family has always been close. My Maw Maw was the matriarch of the family. We all adored her with every ounce of our being. To her grandchildren, she served as granny, safe harbor, confidant, mother and friend. We all reveled in the moments we got to spend with her. Especially if they were moments that were one-on-one. She would sit and rub your hand, or pat your knee, and let you know that you were just as important to her and she was to you.

My grandmother on my dad's side easily became a part of my mother's large family. Dad is an only child and my parents eventually moved Granny to our town when she got much older. My mom's family welcomed her to all family functions and made her feel like she belonged. To me, it was fabulous. Always all my family in one single place. It was perfect.

I lost both of my grandmothers within two years. It was hard. It was sad. Two women who loved me and influenced me were gone. It left a void in my heart and in my soul.

When my Maw Maw passed away, it felt like maybe our whole family would fall apart. She was the glue that brought us all together. She was the common piece among all of us. Every year when we thought we might not get together on Christmas Eve, Maw Maw would pull the trump card and there we were together again. Would we still get together now that she was gone? That year was tough - the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day without her were hard. Lonely. Confusing. But our family stumbled through and it felt like we were starting to heal.

Almost exactly one year after Maw Maw passed away, our family was again struck by loss when my precious cousin Lisa passed away. It felt unreal that we were standing in that same cemetery again burying someone that was gone way too soon. To say it was confusing might be the biggest understatement ever. I can't put into words what it felt, and still feels, like. The pain and void is too big for words.

But it was at that time that I started to realize the depth of love that thrived in my family. And we weren't scared to say it. We weren't scared to show it. We have limited time and limited moments with the precious people in our lives. And our family realized that we were those precious people and each moment was special.

This past September, our family was once again standing in that same cemetery burying my beautiful cousin Steve. Another one of our clan that was gone too soon. It was again hard and lonely and confusing. It sort of felt like our family was under attack. It was just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that we were truly doing this again. Was this really happening? Were we really here?

I am a big believer that in the hardest times in life, when we see and experience the worst things, we also see and experience the best of humanity. There was not an ounce of delay before my WHOLE family fluttered around Aunt Pat and Uncle Bill's house. Uncle Ronnie and Aunt Lois were in the car to drive and pick up my cousin Beth, Steve's sister. The rest of us took care of details, met other family and friends at the house, made sure people ate. And just hugged and loved each other. We cried and laughed. We talked about our anger and our confusion. We thanked God for the time we had with Steve and yelled at God for the pain we were in. Again.

Our family is overflowing with love. When I am with those people I am engulfed by the love. I feel no pressure to be anyone but who I am. And I feel adored for exactly who I am. It is the safest and most loving place I have ever witnessed.

I love this family. We are wacky and goofy and all completely nuts. I think we overwhelm outsiders, haha. Sometimes we overwhelm me. But at the base of it all, I KNOW it is all about love. I have never in my life doubted that I am loved. I now recognize that that is not the case for everyone. As I've gotten older, I realize that my amazing and unique family is the biggest blessing I have in my life.

I hope that you may turn to your family today and tell them how much you love them. For you - family may look very different. Family might be your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend. Family might be your son or daughter; or your mom and dad. Family might be your grandparents. Or maybe family is your best friends. Whoever family is to you, remind them today that they are unique and beautiful and special to you.

Enjoy.

PS - Yikes. Sorry about the length. Had no intention of writing about all of this. The blog just sort of went in its own direction. :)

Music Monday - I Will Not Take My Love Away (Matt Wertz)

2011-03-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

This has quickly become one of my very favorite songs. I love Matt Wertz and when I discovered this song, I loved him even more!! This song seemed to have a very strong religious undertone - as if a message from God to us. So, I went searching for some information on Matt's background. He got his start in Christian music - earning a large following through Young Life camps (side note: I adore Young Life, an extremely awesome organization). Matt is great friends with Dave Barnes (who sings God Gave Me You) and has done some song writing with Brandon Heath (another of my absolute favs). Anyway …

I think this song is incredibly beautiful. The reminder of the way God loves us is so powerful. He will never leave us, He will never take His love away - no matter what we have done. There is nothing "too big" or "too bad." His love will always be bigger. He will give us what we need.

Religion isn't about rights and wrongs and should and shouldn't - really, religion and faith is a love story. This song reminds me of that love story.

I Will Not Take My Love Away - Matt Wertz
I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
While the world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

I will not take my love away

More songs about God's love:
More Like Falling Love - Jason Gray
Your Love - Brandon Heath
What Love Really Means - JJ Heller

More Matt Wertz:
Matt Wertz YouTube channel
Some of my favs you should download: Carolina, Everything's Right, Running Back to You

Enjoy!

Super Saturday

2011-03-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting at home by myself on Saturday night. And I'm really ok with this - it is what I wanted to do today. I've been traveling the last three weekends and I've been looking forward to a Saturday at home by myself for a very long time. It has been a productive evening, a relaxing evening, an enjoyable evening.

Yet, for some reason -- even though this is what I wanted to do -- it feels lonely. How silly is that? If someone had asked me to do something tonight, I would have said no. But apparently I wanted them to ask me because then I wouldn't feel lonely.

It is so strange the way these emotions work.

I guess maybe it is about choices. Since no one asked me to do something and I didn't get to say NO, I am sitting at home not by choice but by circumstance. (Even though it is actually my choice). I wanted the opportunity to choose to stay home.

I suppose it all goes back to the desire to be wanted. I wanted someone to want me to hang out with them tonight, even if I was going to say no. It's like when you go on an interview for a job and you leave the interview knowing that you don't want the job. But you still want them to offer you the job, because you want to be wanted. You want to be the best. You want the opportunity to turn it down.

I just find the whole thought process sort of fascinating, strange and funny.

I have to remind myself that in the end, THIS is, in fact, what I WANTED to do tonight. And it doesn't really matter how or why I got to this place, it was a good evening.

So, here's to hoping that you are doing something you WANT to be doing tonight and are enjoying doing it. :)

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

Here is my second No-so-Wordless Wednesday. :) This picture is taken at my friend Emily's wedding in Florida. It was an absolutely unbelievable wedding. It was "so Emily." It just fit her and her personality. It was awesome.

This picture is at the beach where the wedding and reception took place. These are some of my very best friends from high school. It was so fantastic to see them. It is so awesome to see what people have become. We are all so different, yet we can come together and have a great time. Some folks tell me that it is really odd that our high school group is still so close. I really don't think it is odd at all. I love it. These people are incredibly special to me. :)

One more photo. As soon as the ceremony was over this is what the sun looked like. Incredible.

Enjoy!

Rocking Out and Owning It

2011-03-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write this blog post for two days. But nothing I write does justice to what I'm thinking. For some reason I can't seem to get it into words.

Over the weekend, I went to Florida for an incredible wedding. But before I went I was having a bit of anxiety. I suppose I'm feeling a bit insecure about how I look right now - I could stand to drop 15 pounds, my face is broken out like a 15-year-old girl, and my skin has that nasty ashy winter look - so I wasn't looking forward to being in a bathing suit or in a cute summery dress. So, like any gal would do, I started thinking that if I had a new, awesome dress it would all be ok. In reality, there was no need to buy a new dress since I had plenty that would work just fine. And I'm not sure why exactly I thought that a new dress would make me feel better about the things I wasn't feeling good about. I ended up not buying a dress (mostly because I hate spending money), packed a couple old ones, and headed to Florida.

Once I got to Florida I was still feeling super insecure. I was going to see high school friends that I hadn't seen in a while. I kept thinking things like, "What if they think I'm heavy?" "What if they think I'm a loser for moving back to our hometown?" "What if they think my short hair looks dumb?" "What are they going to think about the fact that I'm not in a relationship?" And later on Friday night, I was going to be around a lot of people I didn't know. And I kept thinking "What if my dress isn't trendy enough?" "What if they don't think I'm smart or interesting?" It felt strange to doubt myself that much. Because in reality - even with the insecurities - I'm pleased with who I am and where I am in life. Why is it that when I'm around other people, I start to doubt myself more?

I think one of the reasons is that we want to impress. I wanted to impress my high school friends - for them to walk away thinking, "Megan is in a good place in her life." And I wanted to impress the new people I might meet - for them to think, "That girl really has it together." I'm not sure why I have that desire to impress. I don't know why that opinion matters that much to me. I think part of it is just human nature. I suppose we all want to make an impression. It just matters more to some people and less to others.

I think the other thing is that I compare myself to others. And when I start comparing, I start feeling like I'm not enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not successful enough. Not worldly enough. Not skinny enough. Not accomplished enough. Not cool enough. I know, I know - it seems so silly. But it's just honest. I start to think about the things that these other people do, who they are, where they are in life, and I start to feel like I'm just not enough.

There were moments over the weekend when I just sort of stepped back and watched what was going on around me. I started to think about these people that were surrounding me - the ones I know and the ones I was just meeting. And I had to tell myself that there is something that each person is insecure about. So while, right now, I'm insecure about the way I look someone else may be insecure about their job or their relationship. No one has it all together. But some people tuck away their insecurities in their back pocket and work on them when they can. And in the meantime, they rock out. They own who they are. They are confident with being pleased with themselves - insecurities and all.

I want to work on being one of those people. I want to work on feeling like enough in all situations -- in my day-to-day and on special occasions; on my own and in large groups. I want to feel like I'm enough.

I had a fun and light-hearted conversation with a friend the other day about how he likes himself. He was saying that he isn't arrogant, but that he does like himself. He was saying that some people think that equates to an ego. While we were just joking around about it, the conversation stuck with me. I mean, isn't that how we all should be? Shouldn't we all be able to say "I like myself?" Shouldn't we all be living in a way that it is easy to say that? If we like ourselves when we are going through our day-to-day, shouldn't we like ourselves in all situations?

I do like myself. I'm proud of who I am. I am satisfied with where I am in my life. There are definitely things I want to work on - but I'm figuring those things out. But in the meantime, I'm pretty pleased with myself. My goal now is to be pleased and to feel confident in who I am in all situations. To rock out. And to own it!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

A lot of bloggers have themes for different days. While I'm not sure I will always be able to hold to these, some of them seem pretty neat. I'm trying out Wordless Wednesday today. But any of you that know me, know that it is nearly impossible for me to be "wordless." :)

So just a quick background on this amazing photo. It is taken at Magen's Bay in the US Virgin Islands. Although I've never actually been to Magen's Bay, it has always been special to me. My parents honeymooned in the VI about seven years before I was born. My mom always told me that Magen's Bay was so beautiful when you fly in. She said that it is heart-shaped and so breathtaking. It gave her the basis for my name. (However, she thought naming me Magen in southwest Virginia wasn't the best idea since we already speak with a VERY long a - so I became Megan).

My incredible friend Trip took this photo in the VI last year when he was there. I told him he had to be sure he went to Magen's Bay for me. And he did. He took alot of amazing pictures while he was there (as usual) but this is a favorite of mine.

Enjoy!

Welcome to my beautiful mess

2011-03-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why I've decided to start a blog. I really like to write. And I've always been better at expressing myself on paper (or a computer screen). So I guess that is why blogging is appealing. But I've also been inspired to write about life (mostly my life, I suppose) in an honest and real way. My friend Priscilla had a post on her blog, Make It Beautiful, this fall about the perfect protest. It came from a challenge by Brene Brown. The whole idea of the perfect protest was SO appealing! We so often feel like we have to be perfect in everything. And it is an unreal expectation that we can never meet and are therefore constantly disappointed with ourselves. It is sad, really.

The whole idea of the movement is about empowerment. It is about moving from being concerned about what other people think to being secure in the fact that "I am enough." Brown says, "Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and imperfect."

As part of the perfect protest, people made signs that boast a claim about who they are. One of my favorites on Brown's blog says "Bye-Bye Perfect! Hello Goofy!" Priscilla posted a picture of her sign that read "I'm NOT perfect. I'm authentic." It started me thinking about what I would claim to be. If I'm not perfect, than what am I?

I'm not perfect. I'm messy.

Because that is what life is - messy. With all its bumps and bruises, highs and lows, triumphs and failure, calm and chaos - life is simply just messy.

And I am also messy. I am so far from perfect. I'm 29 years old and can't pay my rent on time. I wait until the last minute to start laundry before a road trip. I wear my shoes until the heel is so worn down that the nail sticks out and makes me slip all over the floor. I'm addicted to the incredibly unhealthy Diet Coke. I am constantly running late. I've pulled the cuffs out of most of my dress pants because somehow I get my heel stuck in it. I can't seem to drink, or throw away, the milk in my refrigerator until at least a month after the expiration date. I want boys to pay attention to me, but then when they actually like me, I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I want to spend time by myself, yet get lonely and sad when it's too much time alone. I am incredibly silly. I love working out, yet I go to the gym and constantly compare myself to the other women. I am a woman that is confident, but not too confident. I am someone who loves freely but is scared to be loved. I am full of contradictions. I am a total mess. And I am ok with that. Because I think, if we are honest, we are all pretty messy. But in that messiness we find who we truly are, even if it is sometimes confusing.

I firmly believe that the mess - the mess of life, my mess, your mess - is a beautiful mess. Because in the middle of all that messiness is gentleness, faith, laughter, kindness, hope, and most of all, love.

I've always believed that one of the most innately human desires is for someone to say "I understand" and truly mean it. So, my hope is that as I write on this blog, I might write about something that speaks to you; something that makes you realize that someone else in this crazy, messy world understands. While we are all trying to put on the appearance that life is great, the truth is that most days are just normal and average days. And some days are really, really hard or really, really great. Life has peaks and valleys and an awful lot of plateaus. I hope we can share in those moments in life - the normal, the good, the bad, the imperfect. I hope we can share in this beautiful mess.

What would your sign say? Who would you claim to be?